Hello all,
I’m here to ask for some thoughts on my predicament, if it is even that. I have been with my partner for 1.9 Years, having just turned 29 and have been taking stock of things in my mind. I’m going to lay it out and confess that I moulded myself to seem like the type of woman that I had assumed the man I love would want. I recognise ,now, I was scared to be soft, thought vulnerability and want as things that would make me appear weak. This is my first relationship as I was a very late bloomer. I grew up in an environment within a narcissistic violent single mother household unable to ask for the things I needed, constantly having to prove myself and grovel.
This I feel, on reflection, has bled into how I have conducted myself in this relationship. I pretended to be above the notion of receiving gifts and romance and to be simply wooed. Gave the illusion of a “cool, nothing needed, funny” woman who was in want of nothing. I pick up the bill at the end of dates or go dutch, pull faces at receiving attention, bought him gifts, let him admire and praise other women in front of me, never lose my temper or get emotional, not asked for his help as to even bring me a glass of water. I feel as though I let these things happen time & time again yet now feel unhappy about how I am treated (Yes how silly!!)
I don’t blame him at all to be honest; He asked me to go meet his parents for Christmas and I laughed it off, imagined futures for us which I didn’t indulge, he talked about marriage and children vaguely and I said it wasn’t for me (?!!). He is still affectionate though not receptive to things other than the superficial because I have made it as though I don’t need him or the possibilities he can offer.
Coming to understand the consequences of my actions for the past couple of weeks I have been trying to undo my own damaged by being braver and softer around him and kinder to myself. Yesterday I told him I love him and all he could say was he liked me very much. I feel embarrassed and hurt to show this complete different person he has come to know, he seems overwhelmed at these little changes I have been trying to make. Currently I feel as though he is with me for the sake of being with me, I am a simple easy choice then a wanted one. To put it simple: I was false about myself. Emotionally I am flip flopping between ending it or trying to shed a skin in hope that he can adapt. I feel so conflicted and sadness fills me so much.
Can anyone help me please?
Yasmin x